EDGE ?

Talking to a friend the other day. (I have friends) They were describing some activity involving themselves. ( we're kinda all included at one time or another. know what I mean?) He/she/they talked about how some people with no part in his particular life seem to feel free to complicate said life just because. It's funny how some who are on the edge want to mess up others. Now being on the edge is not the same as existing on the edge. Something sad about hanging on to the tendrels or wisps of smoke trailing behind that these kinds of persons grasp just to pretend they are part of the whole. In order to appear or be revelant they stomp on and intrude in the lives of others. She told me that she wanted to scream for them to leave her alone but it would not be lady like. So she endures. They all have the same experiences you and I have. Nothing new. There's always someone willing to hurt, embaress, or hold you up to ridicule because they really are just insencetive. They think only of themselves and their image. Their entire life depends on how others see them. In their own image. Some view these kinds as strong. How sad! These are the ones not on the exiting edge of life but on the edge of nothing. Don't give it a second thought

Notice how I cleverly changed tense? In truth, he/she/they is no one anyone knows but me. Yes I have friends none of my other friends know. The little people who hide in the bushes and under the flowers. Who roam the streets and live under the overpasses. Who strive and struggle in the light of day but are never seen.

SUN CAME UP THIS MORNING

Yes it did! It always comes up even if we don't see it. Profound that is. Simple but profound. You think that you understand that, so it dosen't need to be expressed but that's the wrong way to think of it. So often we believe that many things should go without saying, but if we don't we tend to ignore the principal and lose the lesson. If we cut through the myth and accept that it is myth we become free to understand the truth. Myth dosen't define the truth, it dosen't change it and it dosen't negate it in any way. It can blind us and bind us and shape our view but that is our choice.

People are shocked when you express GOD's nature in human terms. Well if you are LDS you believe He was human, so why dosen't He have human traits? If you believe He is spirit you still have learned that you were created in His image. (just ignor those who then try to twist around what that means) One of the best lessons in my life was a picture given to me in college by a friend. It was a drawing of JESUS, laughing with His head thrown back and His hair flying around. The picture is long gone but the image remains. Of course He and His Father have a great capacity for humor. ( GOD dosen't laugh? give me a break) He isn't somber, stern,angry, or dour. Nor is He silly, foolish, vulger. He is us. We are like Him. We should be well rounded and understand that He understands us. Heaven help us because we have really messed up GOD. If we are to become like Him and inherite all He has then it stands to reason that we can develope many of His trates now. So develope already.

It's not hard to predict the future with what you know and see now. I look at my children and can see many things that will happen. You look at me and do the same thing. We don't need outside help in order to make it a mystery. It's plain. The lie is all around you. Stop being fooled. Stop waiting to be led and take charge of yourself. Look at the logical outcome that will result from the current path in our world. Both the small short personal path and the path writ large in the world. Lets stop accepting the lie because it feels better and lets fix our corner of the mess.

It's Saturday Morning (real old song)

Well the handwriting is on the wall. Might as well accept it. It can't be changed.

Now before you get worried of even concerned let me just say that the handwriting is always on the wall even if we don't notice it. Dosen't matter the subject, reason,event, it's on there. So no secrets here. No mystery to discover. BUT!!

As I get older I realise that we get increasingly irrelevant. We get wiser, smarter,and much sharper in many ways but fewer listen. How foolish is this progression in life? AA has it correct -change the things you can- accept the things you can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. Very few of us have the privilige of having our lives turn out the way we wanted or expected. Always detours and unexpected dead ends and running out of gas. No wonder we begen to remember and think about the past. We want others to know that we counted for something. No matter what we may have done. GOOD _ BAD _ UGLY _ FUNNY _ OR JUST PLAIN STUPID . I've started to remember a few stories and tellin a few. Some are not pretty. Haven't told them yet. Just some funny ones. There was a girl , years ago, who really cared for me. I turned away because there was much more in the world that could be better. I may have made a mistake. Don't know that, but do you see what I mean? PAST GONE MAKES NO DIFFERENCE ANY MORE

I have my children and their children and spouses. Most important things in my life. I still hurt for them and pray for them but in many cases I can't do much more for them. Maybe a good looking girlfriend to round out things. How's that for complicating things? Maybe everything would be perfect if I could just get the lawn mowed once in a while. Edged to. Jessica weeds well and often so that's no problem. Got to get bedside tables. See! Life just keeps going on and on.

The sun is out from behind the clouds and it's going to be hot again. Breathing is nice. Even if you hurt.

DADDY
















D

What's happening today?

I'm not sure but it seems to be a different kind of day. Bryan is 21 today but he hasn't changed much from yesterday. How come that? Had dinner and cake yesterday just because. I'm proud of him and I do love him. We often upset each other with our personal views (why he can't see everything my way is a mystery to me) Is this what happens when you teach your children to think for themselves? Hell - then they do and just get you upset. What price is paid not to raise clones. Oh well, you have to answer for yourself so you might as well think for yourself. That my friends is a lesson some people never learn. I mean never!

Had a very expensive cigar this morning in honor of the recently passed on. Some with grace and at least one pediophile who went straight to hell. ( just couldn't help that comment) Billy Mays the greatest pitch man in history. No real talent but the sheer joy of selling ouzzzzing out of every pore. Funny what will stick in your mind. Ed McMann, Farrrah, Carl Malden with grace and dignity. I don't know if I'll go with grace (whever she might be) but with dignity I hope. A little humor wouldn't be bad either.

I think I've discovered a little something about dying I don't think most of you know or would even believe. You see' if you read the bible and believe what is written you discover that it was correct the first time. I've read it as translated from the orgignal language it was written in. Not what someone says it says but what it really says. Christ never really set up any religions. He was and is and remained a Jew. His teachings were in context of the Jewish faith. It was to be the way of God (what He taught) that had been twisted by religious men. Set straight, by Him and by the approval and the direction of His Father. Now; God is real; Christ is real; the Holy Spirit is real. But - when you die you die. Your spitit may go somewhere but dosen't know anything. The dead sleep- they know nothing at all. We remain that way until the reserrection. Now you can dispute this but take some time and ponder. I'm looking forward to the rest.
Christs teachings and the scriptures have been and are continuing to be corrupted all the time. Just listen to the preachers in every faith. Christ is really the only good shepard. Not men. Don't follow men blindly. You have to answer for yourself remember. Don't fool yourself into beliving that they have your well being in their hearts. They have your control in their hearts, your money and your duty to them, but you? Not so much.

Pay me no mind. Just me and my thoughts. Thoughts that apply to me alone. I've got enought to deal with and I sure don't want to lead anyone else.

Paid my bills this morning. How's that for donating money to crooks. Oh, I guess I did use their goods and services first didn't I?

Raining today. Renewed. It's soft outside. Cooler. Eases the heat of the mind. The world is good for now. I'm trying to clean up my little corner of it. Trying to learn the lesson about how to always be at peace. It can be done. I can do nothing about anyone else only myself. Soooooooooo why let anyone elses pain from whatever reason affect you? Or me for that matter?? Who you hurting? Love your mom; love your dad; brother , sister, family, neighbour, take your pick. Life is really much to short.

I may be becoming strange. I find myself agreeing less with systems , and experts and petty reasons for any numberr of things. I find myself careing more about justice, people and quiet times. I've cut back on trying to please others and am being kind to them and myself and in some cases making others happier just by a new approach. They don't owe me and I don't owe them. Things just are better.

If I could get my thoughts in line I may have another book. Let me just say that I understand. Maybe you do to

DADDY

Ok but why?

It seems that elizabeth wants to move out and live with a girlfriend of hers at work. drive to school for her classes pay half the rent and utilities and it's going to be less expensive??? I told her that it wouldn't work out for her like she thinks but I wouldn't stop her. where is she getting these ideas and encouragement? how many more am I going to lose?

Here I go again.

The last few days have been a continuation of the last few years. Self centered havoc is created without regard to consequences and no one accepts responsibility. Blame is thrown around without knowledge of the reasons that caused the problem. Everyone THINKS they know why but they don't really. History is written and re-written constantly until the truth gets lost and often becomes the lie. At least in the mind of a few. Fear, anger, hurt feelings cause us to be blinded to the real truth. Then we get self-rightious in our view and position. We forget that it's been seen and done before. We see only what we want to see. We procede to change the past to fit with our new present and future. What followes is a superior attitude and a willingness to cast off people. I thought we were to cast off evil but not people. I do remember being taught that casting off people was a good thing. That was and is wrong. I'm sure I'll be told that I'm mistaken in that memory but I can assure you that I am not. There are enough mistakes made by each of us on a regular basis to provide all the evil and hate we require. Think about that. Don't add hurt for hurt, hate for hate, pain for pain. Keep your own self straight. That is work enough. No need to stir the pot. If a thief steals from you, you must forgive him, but you don't have to invite him back into your house. You also don't have to anounce to the world that he is a thief because the world knows and if it dosen't you still don't need to spread the word ; you might be wrong.

Most of my students tell me that I scare the **** out of them. It seems that the word gets around to them before they get to me. If asked by a student, my fellow anesthetists tell them that I'm hard but fair and there is nothing personel in my reaction to them. The good ones soon learn that it's true. These are the ones that ask to work with me (sometimes for weeks at a time) because they know that all I want them to do is think about what they do and understand the why's and the outcome and their responsibility. I may be critical but not personal. The poor students are defensive and gravitate to the anesthetists who direct their every move, thought, and purpose. The last, best student I had,worked with me for the final two months of his training. Everything he touched turned to gold. (even the patients with both feet in the grave). One day in his last week of school I got tied up on something at the last minute and he decided to team up with someone else who directed him in every move. When I came back to the OR they were having all kinds of trouble in that room. In other words it all went south. He had been led down a wrong path and knew it but didn't correct it out of fear. I pointed out that it was the first time in weeks that he screwed up. His response was that I had taught him to do it the right way, and trust himself, and that he would never again forget the lesson. Every once in a while I get it right.

Have a good day!

DADDY

Dumb thoughts; Oh Sorry - "ran"

Talked on the phone last night with someone I didn't know very well (and none of you know at all) about a mutual concern. We covered the topic and then proceeded to talk another half hour about -stuff - and got to know one another quite well. So much so that we felt as if we were long time friends. Now this is someone I may never meet, but it goes to show that interesting things can take place when you least expect it. No mystry ? here guys, just is what it is or was or whatever.

My dog needs food. What more can I say. Got to go buy some.

I despise Rodney King . Cause problems and then wonder why we can't all just get along.

Feeling low today. I'm not ready to cash it in just yet but I think I'll be glad when the game is over. I'll feel better later or tomorrow.

Found my sticks. Can't figure that out? Well I lost them and then I found out where they were. Therefore I found them. I wonder what that may mean to those who may read this? It was important to me.

Look up, research, evaluate, and apply said lesson learned by the governers race in Va. The tip of the turning tide? We can only hope.

All done

It's me again

Ok! Looks like most want no limit on spending for christmas, and that good for me to. Also we are to give to only one person or family. (That's the most important one for me) I made copies of the list so I'll make sure everyone here gets one and I'll send one to Matthew.


I've known all my life that you can't save anyone who dosen't want to be saved. Why then does it suprise me each and every time I re-realise this fact. It's just like a drownding victim - they will take you with them. Panic, fear, whatever? It's hard to face the fact that no one is going to save you but yourself. Someone used to tell me that I've spent my whole life taking care of everyone else, but they wondered , who was going to take care of me? I can answer that. So many people want but they don't want to give. They take but don't return. All this because you're a good guy and don't confront them. Sometimes the responsibility can be overwhelming. No one really looks inside. Most of the time, most things don't matter. Perhaps, for me, 99.9% of the time I just don't care. Others can have their way and feel good because I will feel just fine because I REALLY DON"T CARE. I've seen and done things that did matter a great deal but having a preference about dinner just dosen't hold a candle to some of that.

There is one thing that does scare me though; GIRLS - Big ones, little ones, old ones and young ones. With or without teeth, hair, brains,pretty or not so much. Couple that with being 60 and it's a scary world. Wish me luck!

christmas

OK! I lost the gift rotation list. Need it and I hae a few thoughts on the subject. If we are going to do this, and I think it is a good idea, we really need to say that please give to only one person or family. If we can give to more than one some will feel bad because they may not be able to. Also, should we put a limit on the amount to spend? Some of us may be able to spend alot more than say the younger ones. If there is a limit then no one will feel bad. Please - these are only ideas but we need to decide and get the rules out to everyone. I don't want anyone to be left out or feel like they aren't doing enough.

DADDY

wandering mind

getting on or along - who cares? not today anyway. thursday morning early the phone rang. an RN I work with called to ask if she and her two children could stay here with us for a few days if needed. I told her she could. seems that her significant other told her to get out. that she and her bastard children could find their own way. (he is the father of one of the children) her other one's father dosen't even see or contact his child. she has made at least two bad choices in this regard . she's nice and really a good person but has this blind spot. she won't eat pork or shellfish but children out of wedlock is no problem. how strange is that? anyway she found another place on short notice. just as well but not really a problem. men are - well they are. I know I've made my mistakes to, but for anyone to abandon there children - what can you say.

not really up today but not sad either. sun, blue sky, quiet - prehaps pensive is the word. pesimestic about the future. not mine ,just in general. I think I want to hurt but that takes to much energy. guess I'll just have to smile and be happy. Hey now thats an idea. why don't we all be happy in spite of the world and life and jobs and people. be good and fair to others and keep the boys away from my daugthers. men are men but boys ( no matter their age) are truly the lowest of the low.




I think I just made my point.

love you all

ps: will I get more than 2 comments?

Jennifer's friend, Lore, got me thinking about what I might like for by birthday. (I remember my 40th) A few years past that I'm afraid.

If you can bring yourselfs to it I would like a .338 Lapoua by Barrett (only $5,000-small price to pay to start the revolution with) New truck - yes ! Girlfriend might be nice. (one with slightly supressed violence - revolution remember) Oh well; Nice card and love will be good also. I've been an old soul all my life but seem to be getting younger the older I get. HUH? The problem with that is deciding if I'm developing senile tendencies or evolving into what I should have been all along. Better late than never. (hope that dosen't upset the creation crowd - evolving and all)

Time and an open mind imparts the skill which helps one see through all the garbage that surrounds us all day long. Youth is often a time of real soft mind; the brain latches on to all kinds of junk that sounds good but truly has no substance. On top of which it is anti humanity. We are meant to excell and overcome while helping other to do the same. It dosen't matter how long it takes to get there just as long as you do. Get there that is. We have guides such as faith, laws, but the first rule should be, as it is the medical profession, first do no harm. Then you can go ahead.

Isn't it strange how we take offence when none is intended? Ask yourself why? Should huh? We all do it. Then we dismiss another's position. Make us feel superior then we deny that we are superior and then pretend that we are above all that kind of behavior. We all do it! I'm trying to do it less. If I can do that and lose 40 pounds I'll be better than ever. Maybe better than everyone else. There I go again - being subhuman once more. Long haul folks!

Have you ever noticed how people rally just before they pass away? My thinking at work is very sharp. Better than in years. If this will last just seven more years then I won't have to think about anesthesia any more. Unless I'm being anesthetised. Then I pray that person was trained by someone smarter than me. No arrogance intended (I do make mistakes) but I'm pretty damm smart. I also know who's smarter. Got to be some kind of wisdom in that.


MICHAEL THE WISE! oops - human again - sorry but it just slips out

If push comes to shove I could always go back to being catholic and become a priest. Might be good at that. Forgiving sin and all. Being feared by one and all cuz of being so close to GOD. Instant respect that is conferred by those sort of positions. It would take a while for anyone to figure out it was a priest starting the revolution with his birthday gift given to him by his children.

Have a nice day!

my my---if you wonder why I don't blog more it's cause people dont read it or don't comment. except for one or rarely two. we'll see.

a twin grandpaw! something else! I know melissa and heath are stuned-er I mean happy. these are the days my friend.(like the song says)

bryan and eli will be home from coll. this week so here goes another summer. off to a start. only this year there will be work to do. no laying around all day and eating or watching tv. my food bill jumps 100% this time of year so this summer I plan to get my monies worth. sorry kids!

It looks like many of you won't be getting even average health care in the not to distant future what with obama health care reform. I've said this for years and it now will come to pass. there will be rationing of care and services. some of you will be denied services because you will be to old, with no regard for your current quality of life. now don't mistake what I'm saying. I don't believe in prolonging life for even hours let alone days or weeks just because you can. If there is no hope of a viable,sustainable or quality of life acceptable to the patient then it's time to let go. Don't you dare keep me around just to exist on a ventilator or in a vegitative state. I don't want to be a brain in a dead body or brain dead in a live body. now thats not to hard to understand or accept, but this is the bad part. Study history! mentaly challenged humans will be denied care. cardiovascular patients over a certain age will be denied care. renal patients will be denied care. palitive care for terminal patients will be reduced and or denied. The list will grow. not all will take place at once but over time. you will see it. and remember to thank your current pres. and members of congress. It's allready happening on a small scale..medicare? medicade each and every day. I'll be dead and gone but I'll still hear you say that I was right.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ON HIS WORD ALONE WOULD REPLACE A PRIVITE INDUSTURY CEO. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS ARE ROLLING AROUND IN THERE GRAVES
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A HIGH GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL - SEC. OF HOMELAND SECURITY WOULD IMPLY THAT A WORLD WIDE CHRISTIAN FAITH AND ALL IT'S MEMBERS WERE RIGHT WING TERRORISTS

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT THIS PERSON WOULD LABLE MILITARY VETS. AS TERRORISTS.

YOU KNEW MY FATHER-YOUR GRAND FATHER- I KNOW HE IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE. MY MOTHER SERVED IN WWII - WAS SHE ONE ALSO?

IF YOU THINK SHE SAID THESE THINGS WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDE OF THE PRESIDENT YOU ARE MORE BLIND THAN I COULD EVER IMIGINE

WELCOME TO THE SOCIALIST REPUBLIC OF THE UNITIED STATES

once in a while

I've kept up 'somewhat with the thoughts of othersfor a while. Everyone knows that I don't write much, or blog much. Calling is easiest for me . I get bogged down in conversation after I say what I want to say. Not that I'm tired of anyone but there's not anything left to say. Everyone is home for spring break. Sort of a full house again. Things to do and no one to do it but me. Seems like that's my whole reason for living.

Have you ever noticed that everyone has an opinion. They are not willing to share and then let you go your way. They want their position to be the one adopted. And if it is, that's still not enough for them. They don't care about you so much as their self rightous opinion. We have developed a culture of conditioned acceptence. You are accepted only on our conditions. This seems to hold true for individuals, systems, organisations both organized and loosely nit.

I've spent a lot of time driving around just to have something to when I can't stand being alone. I've noticed the street walkers on central. (You drive around enough and the same girls keep getting into different cars It's a good bet they aren't Salvation Army workers) Anyway, these are called whores or crack whores. No middle ground. The dredges of society. Anyone ever think that maybe they have an extra mouth or two to feed at home and no one to help them and this is the only way they can keep it together? Not the bet of choices but maybe the only one they have at the time. (OK folks now's the time for the hipocracy to ooze out. God can't really love them can he. After all we don't. Want to help? Take a whore shopping.

Andrea had a homeless man she would give food to when she could. Sat there with him while he ate. Truly the pure love of christ. I'm proud of that.

My point is wide rangeing. Multiple applications. There is enough evil in the world to destroy us. Stop creating more. Instead of creating more pain; instead of passing judgement (note- I didn't say makeing a judgement) and casting aside people because you decided or believe or were told you are better, try doing what you know to be the good thing to do . MEN TELL YOU TO CAST ASIDE PEOPLE - NOT GOD- HE DOSEN'T RANT AND RAVE- HIS LESSONS ARE QUITE AND HUMANE

And for those who are self assured and comfortable and who have complicated, and affected your 's and other lives and have left victims lying around. Well there is always a price to pay.