What's happening today?

I'm not sure but it seems to be a different kind of day. Bryan is 21 today but he hasn't changed much from yesterday. How come that? Had dinner and cake yesterday just because. I'm proud of him and I do love him. We often upset each other with our personal views (why he can't see everything my way is a mystery to me) Is this what happens when you teach your children to think for themselves? Hell - then they do and just get you upset. What price is paid not to raise clones. Oh well, you have to answer for yourself so you might as well think for yourself. That my friends is a lesson some people never learn. I mean never!

Had a very expensive cigar this morning in honor of the recently passed on. Some with grace and at least one pediophile who went straight to hell. ( just couldn't help that comment) Billy Mays the greatest pitch man in history. No real talent but the sheer joy of selling ouzzzzing out of every pore. Funny what will stick in your mind. Ed McMann, Farrrah, Carl Malden with grace and dignity. I don't know if I'll go with grace (whever she might be) but with dignity I hope. A little humor wouldn't be bad either.

I think I've discovered a little something about dying I don't think most of you know or would even believe. You see' if you read the bible and believe what is written you discover that it was correct the first time. I've read it as translated from the orgignal language it was written in. Not what someone says it says but what it really says. Christ never really set up any religions. He was and is and remained a Jew. His teachings were in context of the Jewish faith. It was to be the way of God (what He taught) that had been twisted by religious men. Set straight, by Him and by the approval and the direction of His Father. Now; God is real; Christ is real; the Holy Spirit is real. But - when you die you die. Your spitit may go somewhere but dosen't know anything. The dead sleep- they know nothing at all. We remain that way until the reserrection. Now you can dispute this but take some time and ponder. I'm looking forward to the rest.
Christs teachings and the scriptures have been and are continuing to be corrupted all the time. Just listen to the preachers in every faith. Christ is really the only good shepard. Not men. Don't follow men blindly. You have to answer for yourself remember. Don't fool yourself into beliving that they have your well being in their hearts. They have your control in their hearts, your money and your duty to them, but you? Not so much.

Pay me no mind. Just me and my thoughts. Thoughts that apply to me alone. I've got enought to deal with and I sure don't want to lead anyone else.

Paid my bills this morning. How's that for donating money to crooks. Oh, I guess I did use their goods and services first didn't I?

Raining today. Renewed. It's soft outside. Cooler. Eases the heat of the mind. The world is good for now. I'm trying to clean up my little corner of it. Trying to learn the lesson about how to always be at peace. It can be done. I can do nothing about anyone else only myself. Soooooooooo why let anyone elses pain from whatever reason affect you? Or me for that matter?? Who you hurting? Love your mom; love your dad; brother , sister, family, neighbour, take your pick. Life is really much to short.

I may be becoming strange. I find myself agreeing less with systems , and experts and petty reasons for any numberr of things. I find myself careing more about justice, people and quiet times. I've cut back on trying to please others and am being kind to them and myself and in some cases making others happier just by a new approach. They don't owe me and I don't owe them. Things just are better.

If I could get my thoughts in line I may have another book. Let me just say that I understand. Maybe you do to

DADDY

Ok but why?

It seems that elizabeth wants to move out and live with a girlfriend of hers at work. drive to school for her classes pay half the rent and utilities and it's going to be less expensive??? I told her that it wouldn't work out for her like she thinks but I wouldn't stop her. where is she getting these ideas and encouragement? how many more am I going to lose?

Here I go again.

The last few days have been a continuation of the last few years. Self centered havoc is created without regard to consequences and no one accepts responsibility. Blame is thrown around without knowledge of the reasons that caused the problem. Everyone THINKS they know why but they don't really. History is written and re-written constantly until the truth gets lost and often becomes the lie. At least in the mind of a few. Fear, anger, hurt feelings cause us to be blinded to the real truth. Then we get self-rightious in our view and position. We forget that it's been seen and done before. We see only what we want to see. We procede to change the past to fit with our new present and future. What followes is a superior attitude and a willingness to cast off people. I thought we were to cast off evil but not people. I do remember being taught that casting off people was a good thing. That was and is wrong. I'm sure I'll be told that I'm mistaken in that memory but I can assure you that I am not. There are enough mistakes made by each of us on a regular basis to provide all the evil and hate we require. Think about that. Don't add hurt for hurt, hate for hate, pain for pain. Keep your own self straight. That is work enough. No need to stir the pot. If a thief steals from you, you must forgive him, but you don't have to invite him back into your house. You also don't have to anounce to the world that he is a thief because the world knows and if it dosen't you still don't need to spread the word ; you might be wrong.

Most of my students tell me that I scare the **** out of them. It seems that the word gets around to them before they get to me. If asked by a student, my fellow anesthetists tell them that I'm hard but fair and there is nothing personel in my reaction to them. The good ones soon learn that it's true. These are the ones that ask to work with me (sometimes for weeks at a time) because they know that all I want them to do is think about what they do and understand the why's and the outcome and their responsibility. I may be critical but not personal. The poor students are defensive and gravitate to the anesthetists who direct their every move, thought, and purpose. The last, best student I had,worked with me for the final two months of his training. Everything he touched turned to gold. (even the patients with both feet in the grave). One day in his last week of school I got tied up on something at the last minute and he decided to team up with someone else who directed him in every move. When I came back to the OR they were having all kinds of trouble in that room. In other words it all went south. He had been led down a wrong path and knew it but didn't correct it out of fear. I pointed out that it was the first time in weeks that he screwed up. His response was that I had taught him to do it the right way, and trust himself, and that he would never again forget the lesson. Every once in a while I get it right.

Have a good day!

DADDY

Dumb thoughts; Oh Sorry - "ran"

Talked on the phone last night with someone I didn't know very well (and none of you know at all) about a mutual concern. We covered the topic and then proceeded to talk another half hour about -stuff - and got to know one another quite well. So much so that we felt as if we were long time friends. Now this is someone I may never meet, but it goes to show that interesting things can take place when you least expect it. No mystry ? here guys, just is what it is or was or whatever.

My dog needs food. What more can I say. Got to go buy some.

I despise Rodney King . Cause problems and then wonder why we can't all just get along.

Feeling low today. I'm not ready to cash it in just yet but I think I'll be glad when the game is over. I'll feel better later or tomorrow.

Found my sticks. Can't figure that out? Well I lost them and then I found out where they were. Therefore I found them. I wonder what that may mean to those who may read this? It was important to me.

Look up, research, evaluate, and apply said lesson learned by the governers race in Va. The tip of the turning tide? We can only hope.

All done

It's me again

Ok! Looks like most want no limit on spending for christmas, and that good for me to. Also we are to give to only one person or family. (That's the most important one for me) I made copies of the list so I'll make sure everyone here gets one and I'll send one to Matthew.


I've known all my life that you can't save anyone who dosen't want to be saved. Why then does it suprise me each and every time I re-realise this fact. It's just like a drownding victim - they will take you with them. Panic, fear, whatever? It's hard to face the fact that no one is going to save you but yourself. Someone used to tell me that I've spent my whole life taking care of everyone else, but they wondered , who was going to take care of me? I can answer that. So many people want but they don't want to give. They take but don't return. All this because you're a good guy and don't confront them. Sometimes the responsibility can be overwhelming. No one really looks inside. Most of the time, most things don't matter. Perhaps, for me, 99.9% of the time I just don't care. Others can have their way and feel good because I will feel just fine because I REALLY DON"T CARE. I've seen and done things that did matter a great deal but having a preference about dinner just dosen't hold a candle to some of that.

There is one thing that does scare me though; GIRLS - Big ones, little ones, old ones and young ones. With or without teeth, hair, brains,pretty or not so much. Couple that with being 60 and it's a scary world. Wish me luck!

christmas

OK! I lost the gift rotation list. Need it and I hae a few thoughts on the subject. If we are going to do this, and I think it is a good idea, we really need to say that please give to only one person or family. If we can give to more than one some will feel bad because they may not be able to. Also, should we put a limit on the amount to spend? Some of us may be able to spend alot more than say the younger ones. If there is a limit then no one will feel bad. Please - these are only ideas but we need to decide and get the rules out to everyone. I don't want anyone to be left out or feel like they aren't doing enough.

DADDY

wandering mind

getting on or along - who cares? not today anyway. thursday morning early the phone rang. an RN I work with called to ask if she and her two children could stay here with us for a few days if needed. I told her she could. seems that her significant other told her to get out. that she and her bastard children could find their own way. (he is the father of one of the children) her other one's father dosen't even see or contact his child. she has made at least two bad choices in this regard . she's nice and really a good person but has this blind spot. she won't eat pork or shellfish but children out of wedlock is no problem. how strange is that? anyway she found another place on short notice. just as well but not really a problem. men are - well they are. I know I've made my mistakes to, but for anyone to abandon there children - what can you say.

not really up today but not sad either. sun, blue sky, quiet - prehaps pensive is the word. pesimestic about the future. not mine ,just in general. I think I want to hurt but that takes to much energy. guess I'll just have to smile and be happy. Hey now thats an idea. why don't we all be happy in spite of the world and life and jobs and people. be good and fair to others and keep the boys away from my daugthers. men are men but boys ( no matter their age) are truly the lowest of the low.




I think I just made my point.

love you all

ps: will I get more than 2 comments?